Dad's Army - Vater's Volksturm
by classicsitcom
Summary: The Volksturm were the German equivalent of the British Home Guard. Here is an adventure with a Volksturm platoon who may seem quite familiar ! Complete story - one chapter


Vater's Volksturm

In the office of the church hall, Hamburg, Captain Mannerheim was sitting at the desk when Sergeant Wilhelm entered through the outside door with the newspaper under his arm.

"Ah, Wilhelm," he said, standing up with his right arm raised "Heil Hitler."

Wilhelm looked unimpressed as always and simply muttered "Yes, yes, whatever."

"You're supposed to return that salute, Wilhelm, you are on active service you know."

"Well," said Wilhelm, pointing to his suit, "I'm not actually in uniform at the moment."

"All the same," insisted Mannerheim, "not heiling the Fuhrer is tantamount to treason, you can be hanged for that."

"Well if it's a choice between that and hanging then... " he raised his arm apathetically " Heil Hitler. Will that do ?"

Exasperated, Mannerheim allowed the subject to drop, "Is that the evening paper ?"

"Yes, but the war news isn't very good, I'm afraid."

Mannerheim took the newspaper "Don't you worry about the war news, Wilhelm, the Fuhrer has it all in hand. Those allies have had a bit of good luck but they'll never cross the Rhine."

"Oh haven't you heard Sir ?"

"Heard what ?"

"About the Rhine, the allies have virtually passed it."

Mannerheim sank in to his seat and unfolded the newspaper.

"I can hardly believe it, Wilhelm, I really didn't think they could cross the Rhine."

"They didn't actually cross it, Sir, they ... well, they went round the side of It. Through Holland."

"Round the side ?" Exploded Mannerheim, standing up, "Typical allied trick. You see what kind of people we're up against. I bet it was Montgomery."

"Yes, it was. Operation Market Garden they called it in the news. I heard it on the wireless this morning."

"Oh yes ?" Said Mannerheim suspiciously, "on what channel ?"

"A German one of course, Sir." Said Wilhelm "at least I think it was."

Much to Wilhelm's relief, Private Peike entered the room - wearing his Hitler Youth uniform - at that moment.

"Heil Hitler" he said saluting Mannerheim who returned the salute as Wilhelm rolled his eyes. "My mum wasn't half proud of me last night, Mr Mannerheim, when I told her about that British submarine crew that we caught."

"Good for you, Peike," said Mannerheim, swelling with pride, "What did you tell her ?"

"Just that we rounded them up on the beach and summarily executed them with the machine gun in line with the fuhrer's directive."

"Clever boy." Said Mannerheim.

"That will teach them to ask for chips, won't it ?" Muttered Wilhelm.

German music plays...

In the church hall, the men of the Volksturm were lined up for inspection. Lance Corporal Johannes - a veteran of the wars in German East Africa, had the men lined up when Mannerheim and Wilhelm entered from the office.

"Men all present and correct,sir." Said Johannes, saluting.

"Very good." Said Mannerheim as he and Wilhelm walked over to their usual place beside the front rank.

"Tonight," said Mannerheim "I want to talk to you about the subject of defeatism. Now, in Germany today, there is no place for defeatist talk."

"I heard someone the other day talking about defeat, Mr Mannerheim," said Peike.

"Really ?" Said Mannerheim.

"Yes sir, he said he was going to visit de chiropodist about de feet !"

The rest of the platoon laughed but Mannerheim wasn't amused.

"Dumpkopf boy." He said witheringly.

"It was only a joke, Mr Mannerheim." Said Peike.

"Yes, well," said Mannerheim "As I was saying, there's no place for defeatism in Germany..."

"Or Austria !" Barked Frazier who was Austrian by birth.

"Quite right, Frazier." Said Mannerheim "No place for defeatism anywhere in our glorious Reich in fact."

Frazier nodded in his usual wild eyed manner.

"So what I've done," continued Mannerheim "Is come up with a way that we can all tackle defeatism whenever it rears its ugly head." He brought some pieces of paper from the pocket of his battledress -

"Pass these out among the men, Wilhelm." He said and Wilhelm took the pieces of paper and passed them out along the front row.

"Valker," said Mannerheim "Is there any news, yet, regarding your call up ? A fit healthy man like you should be fighting against the Bolsheviks you know."

"Nothing I'd like better, Captain," said Valker, unconvincingly "but, you know, reserved occupation and all that."

"Reserved occupation ? You don't do anything." Retorted Mannerheim.

"Well, it IS my occupation, isn't it ? You know, reserving things." Said Valker "For instance, that bottle of Schnapps I gave you earlier - I had to reserve that."

"Never mind all that." Blustered Mannerheim "Now, does everyone have a piece of paper ?"

"Yes." Agreed the front row.

"Right," said Mannerheim "Each of you approach me and read out the defeatist comment on your note and I'll show you how to deal with them."

Frazier stepped forward, always keen on a confrontation with Mannerheim "The war's going very badly for Germany !" He read from his note.

"No it isn't !" Said Mannerheim.

Johannes was next with "The Russian army are very successful."

"No they aren't !" Said Mannerheim.

Peike stepped forward and said "We can't beat the Allies."

"Yes we can !" Said Mannerheim.

Gottfried stepped forward rather tentatively and whispered rather than said "I disagree with the way the war is going."

"Any more of that talk and I'll report you to the Gestapo and you'll be shot !" Said Mannerheim.

"Yes, quite right." Said Gottfried, cowed "That's just what I deserve."

There was a pause ... "Come on then, Valker," said Mannerheim "It's your turn."

"I don't think I'll bother, actually, Captain Mannerheim," said Valker "I don't want to be shot !"

"You see," said Mannerheim, beaming at the platoon "A bit of positive thinking and we're all in a better frame of mind about the war."

"Well, with respect, sir," said Wilhelm "You haven't changed their minds, you've just frightened them."

"That's a typically Prussian attitude, Wilhelm," said Mannerheim "That's the way the upper class bourgeois mind thinks, if I may say so..."

"You may, of course, sir." Said Wilhelm.

"In the last war, I was a corporal, you know..."

"Yes, indeed, sir."

"Just like our beloved Fuhrer," continued Mannerheim, a glint in his eye "but that didn't hold him back - or me for that matter - oh no, we believed in ourselves and believed in Germany too..."

"And Austria !" Grunted Frazier.

"And Austria too, of course," said Mannerheim "And, I'll tell you another thing as well, er, where was I ?"

"I think you were just about to tell us about pulling Germany up by its bootstraps I suppose." Said Wilhelm, "You usually do."

"Yes, indeed, up by the bootstraps, indeed," said Mannerheim "Making Germany great again, they all said it couldn't be done..."

"They told me it couldn't be done, sir." Said Lance Corporal Johannes "Back in the days of the Weimar Republic, they all said - 'you can't pull Germany up by her bootlaces', that's what they said. Of course, back then you couldn't even buy bootlaces, not for love or money, you couldn't. I remember once, I needed bootlaces and ..."

"That's enough of all that," said Mannerheim dismissively "The point is that..."

He was interrupted by some uncouth shouting from the door of the church hall -

"Where is he ? Where is he ?" The air raid warden Mr Von Hodges stormed in "Right, there he is, hoi, I want a word with you, Bismarck !" He pointed at Captain Mannerheim.

"Oh, it's that awful Von Hodges fellow." Muttered Wilhelm to Mannerheim.

"I can see that." Said Mannerheim "What are you shouting about, Von Hodges ? I'm holding a Volksturm parade here."

"Where are my hoses ?" Demanded Von Hodges.

"Hoses ?" Asked Wilhelm.

"Yes, hoses. My fire hoses." Said Von Hodges "They've all vanished. Have you taken them ?"

"I'm sure we don't know anything about your hoses, Mr Von Hodges." Said Wilhelm.

"I'll bet you don't, you ruddy Visigoths !"

"As a matter of fact," said Mannerheim "I do know where your hoses have gone. The SS came round this morning and requisitioned them."

"Requisitioned my hoses ?" Said Von Hodges in shock.

"Yes," said Mannerheim "They needed the rubber. They've been taken away for essential war use."

"I'm supposed to put out fires with them hoses," spluttered Von Hodges "That IS essential war use, isn't it ?"

"Goebbels disagrees," said Mannerheim "They need the rubber to make aeroplanes or tanks or something. We're on a 'Total War' footing, you know."

"This is ridiculous." Blustered Von Hodges "Couldn't you have stopped them ?"

"Stopped the SS ?" Asked Mannerheim in a mocking tone.

"He's questioning the war effort, Mr Mannerheim," said Peike "Go on, shoot him !"

"Now then, Franz." Said Wilhelm.

"You're quite right, Peike," said Mannerheim "Do you want me to contact the SS and pass on your comments ?"

Von Hodges was cowed immediately - "There's no need for that, Captain Mannerheim "I didn't mean it. If they need the rubber, then ... well, never mind." He turned on his heel and walked out as the platoon blew a collective raspberry after him.

"I'll get you for this," exploded Von Hodges at the door "You ruddy Visigoths !"

"Well done, sir. Very nicely handled." Said Wilhelm,

"Thank you," said Mannerheim basking in his little victory.

"I really can't stand that fellow. He short changed me last week when I bought a turnip." Continued Wilhelm.

"Did he really ?" Asked Mannerheim "My wife said he did the same thing to her."

"Well, there you are." Said Wilhelm.

"Now remember men," said Mannerheim turning to the platoon, "tomorrow evening, I want to see your contributions and ideas regarding street fighting in urban areas. Dismissed."

German music plays...

Next evening, the platoon gathered in the church hall for parade, lined up in two ranks with the front row and Lance Corporal Johannes missing, Sergeant Wilhelm kept them in order until Mannerheim came out of the office.

"All present and correct ?" Asked Mannerheim "Just a minute, where are the front row ?"

"Waiting to demonstrate their street fighting equipment, sir." Said Wilhelm.

"Oh, very good, right bring them in."

"Private Valker, would you mind awfully bringing in your gadget ?" Said Wilhelm quietly and Mannerheim sighed...

"Private Valker, front and centre !" He barked.

"All right, we're coming," said Valker's voice from outside the front doors "I mean, 'yes sir'."

Valker and Peike entered carrying a rifle that had a metal tube attached to the end at right angles to the barrel.

"There we go, sir." Said Valker.

"What is it ?" Asked Mannerheim.

"Well," said Valker "it's a rifle for firing round corners, isn't it ?"

"It's perfect for street fighting, Captain Mannerheim." Said Peike.

"It's ridiculous !" Said Mannerheim "It would never work, the bullet would get jammed in the bend, there." He pointed to the right angle of the barrel.

"Well, we wondered about that." Admitted Valker.

"I'll bet you did," said Mannerheim taking the weapon and holding it up to sight along the barrel "Has anyone tried firing it."

"Well, no. We didn't dare actually." Said Valker.

"Just as well," said Mannerheim "It would probably kill you instead of the enemy. Absolutely absurd, take it away !" He held the weapon out towards Valker.

"We did our best, Mr Mannerheim !" Said Peike petulantly and snatched the rifle from Mannerheim. As he did so, Mannerheim's finger caught on the trigger and fired it. A bullet flew out and smashed in to a picture of Hitler hanging on the wall and sent it crashing to the floor.

"Blimey !" Said Valker "A bull's eye !"

"You dumpkopf boy ! That could have killed someone !" Barked Mannerheim.

"Well, at least it works." Pointed out Peike.

"Never mind that, just take it away, you two. Right, who's next ?"

"Johannes and Gottfried." Said Wilhelm "Urban camouflage."

Johannes and Gottfried walked in to the church hall and their appearance left Mannerheim speechless.

One of them - it was impossible to tell which was disguised entirely in a metal dustbin marked 'Food Waste' and the other as a letter box. The dustbin lid lifted and Lance Corporal Johannes stuck his head out - with the lid attached to his head like a huge, flat helmet.

"Street camouflage." He said "Perfect for ambushing the enemy."

"We hope they're satisfactory, sir." Came Gottfried's voice from inside the letter box.

"Satisfactory ?" Queried Mannerheim "They're excellent, quite excellent. They completely fooled me and remember, the average Russian soldier is only as intelligent as a dog."

"Funny you should mention that, sir," said Johannes "Because there was a dog outside a minute ago and he was completely fooled too."

"I'm not sure what you mean." Said Mannerheim.

"Well, sir, the dog came up to me and..." Began Johannes...

"All right," snapped Mannerheim "I think we get the picture."

"Oh, it wasn't that, sir," explained Johannes "he thought I was a real food bin because he tried to push my lid off with his nose, that's all. Looking for food, I think."

"Oh I see." Laughed Mannerheim.

"He must have been able to read." Joked Wilhelm.

"That's very funny," said Johannes "Of course, he did the other thing too."

"Never mind that." Snapped Mannerheim "Wilhelm, I think we've got one more to do, haven't we ?"

"Yes indeed, sir." Said Wilhelm "It's Private Frazier. Right, Private Frazier, if you don't mind, would you come in now ?" He suggested gently.

Mannerheim shook his head.

"Just coming sir !" Called Frazier from outside and then barked out orders "Right you men, get the lead out of your feet and push that anti tank gun in here !"

"An anti tank gun !" Gasped Mannerheim incredulously.

"Come on, put your backs in to it !" Commanded Frazier and the barrel of an anti tank gun began to inch through the open church hall doors.

"It IS an anti tank gun." Said Mannerheim to Wilhelm "Where on earth did he get that ?"

"I've really no idea, sir." Answered Wilhelm.

The gun barrel continued its entrance in to the church hall and then, when fully four feet of it was visible, Frazier appeared - the gun barrel was a fake, attached to a harness worn over his upper body.

"You see ?" He shouted "You thought it was an anti tank gun and so will the Allies if they ever get here."

"Which, of course, they won't." Said Mannerheim.

"Quite right, sir." Said Frazier who took up his position in the front row of the platoon cutting an incongruous figure with his gun barrel pointing out in front of him though no more incongruous that a walking dustbin, a walking letter box and a rifle that fired round corners.

"Right men," said Mannerheim "At ease." And the platoon relaxed "You've shown some great ingenuity tonight, an excellent..."

He was interrupted by a boy at the church hall doors calling "Telegram for Captain Mannerheim ! Telegram for Captain Mannerheim !"

The whole platoon turned round - including Frazier whose gun barrel sent Lance Corporal Johannes ( dustbin as well ) flying across the floor with a yell.

"Watch what you're doing !" Said Valker dodging the gun as Frazier turned round to face him.

"It was an accident !" Said Frazier as Captain Mannerheim strode up behind him - "Help Johannes up." He said and instantly fell victim to the gun barrel himself as Frazier spun round again.

"Take that thing off !" Demanded Mannerheim as Wilhelm helped him to his feet, his hat and glasses askew. "Wilhelm !" He snapped "Go and get that telegram, will you !"

Wilhelm did so, Johannes was helped to his feet, Frazier removed his gun barrel harness and Mannerheim took the telegram and read it.

"Himmel !" He said, obviously dumbstruck.

"What is it, sir ?" Asked Wilhelm.

"It's a 'Total War' directive," said Mannerheim "The Hamburg Volksturm has been raised to active unit level and will be transferred to combat on the Eastern Front - collect travel passes and tickets at the railway station at 20.00 hours. It's signed by Goebbels himself."

"Goodness me !" Said Wilhelm

"Don't panic !" Shouted Johannes "Don't panic ! We're going to the Russian Front ! Don't panic !"

"Mr Mannerheim," said Peike "I can't go to the Russian Front. My mum won't let me."

"You'll have to tell them about my reserved occupation. Mr Mannerheim." Said Valker pleadingly.

"What exactly is going on?" Asked Gottfried politely from inside the letter box.

"The Russian Front !" Said Frazier "Were doomed, doomed I tell you !"

"Silence." Barked Mannerheim "Silence in the ranks. I'm sure that there has been some sort of mistake - we signed up for home defence, not front line fighting though I'll tell you right now, I'd welcome a chance to have a bash at those Bolsheviks on the front line. Wouldn't you ?"

The platoon was silent and, indeed, somewhat shifty.

"You'll welcome the chance, won't you Wilhelm ?" Asked Mannerheim.

"I can hardly wait, sir." Said Wilhelm unconvincingly and nervously tugging at his ear.

"Now then, we'll find out the situation when we get to the station at 20.00 hours which is ... er... let me see, it's ten o'clock isn't it ?"

"It's eight o'clock, sir." Said Wilhelm.

"Eight o'clock ?" Said Mannerheim "We'd better get going. It's twenty to eight now."

Mannerheim, Wilhelm and the platoon headed out of the church hall...

German music plays ...

At the railway station there was some confusion - hardly surprising when an entire Volksturm platoon enters the waiting room complete with their commanding officer, two men disguised as street fittings and one man carrying a gun with a bent barrel.

"We received this telegram," explained Mannerheim "and it says that our tickets and travel passes to the Russian Front will be waiting here for us."

"And I've told you that I know nothing about it !" Said the ticket clerk "There are no tickets, no passes, nothing."

"Then how are we supposed to get to the Russian Front ?" Asked Mannerheim.

"Well, in my experience, most people want to get away from the Russian Front !" Said the ticket clerk in a hushed voice.

"Well have no more of that kind of talk, thank you very much." Said Mannerheim.

"Adolf ! Franz !" Shouted a woman's voice and Mrs Peike appeared throwing her arms around Wilhelm's neck "You're not going to the Russian Front, you can't. Mr Mannerheim, you can't take my little Franz to the Russian Front. His feet are very sensitive to the cold. Tell him Adolf !"

"Calm down, Martha," said Wilhelm "Were not sure what the situation is yet, anyway."

"How did you know we were going to the Russian Front anyway, Mrs Peike, we've only just found out ourselves."

"Women's intuition," answered Mrs Peike "It's a sixth sense. If Eva Braun was fighting this war instead of Hitler, we'd have won by now !"

"Watch what you're saying, Mrs Peike." Said Mannerheim.

A pair of shifty looking figures appeared and spoke to Mannerheim -

"Is there some sort of problem here ?" One of them said.

"None of your business !" Snapped Mannerheim who was, by now, running short of patience.

"It IS our business." Said one of the men showing an identity card "Gestapo."

"Oh, I ... er ... I see..." Stuttered Mannerheim "Well, we got this telegram telling us we were being sent to the Eastern Front to fight the Russians."

"There should be no problem there," sneered the Gestapo man "It is every man's duty to fight the Bolsheviks and not just a duty but a privilege."

"I couldn't agree more," said Wilhelm slyly "Will you be joining us ?"

The Gestapo men looked at Wilhelm with contempt - though, to be fair, with no more contempt than they looked at everyone else. One of them took the telegram and studied it.

"Sent by Goebbels himself." He said "it's unlikely that the Reich Chief of Propaganda would send a telegram personally to you. I think you have been tricked."

"Who would play such a rotten trick on us ?" Asked Mannerheim.

"That is for you to find out, not us. Goodbye." The Gestapo men walked away along the platform and the platoon heaved a collective sigh of relief.

"Well, it looks as if someone's played a practical joke on us." Said Mannerheim.

"Thank goodness !" Sobbed Mrs Peike making herself more at home on Wilhelm's shoulder.

"What a rotten shame." Said Valker unconvincingly.

"Speaking for myself," said Lance Corporal Johannes, "I would have liked a last go at active service, tangling with those Bolsheviks, giving them the old cold steel - they don't like it up 'em, you know. They can't stand that."

"I was looking forward to it as well," said Frazier "Looking forward to it, I say, a great shame."

"None of you were saying that back at the church hall." Said Mannerheim with no malice at all "Safe to say that it's better to leave the fighting to our troops, our place is here protecting the city."

"Hear, hear." Said Wilhelm.

"Hoi, Bismarck !" Shouted an uncouth voice "Heading off to the Russian Front are you ?"

"What do you know about that ?" Asked Mannerheim.

"I know all about it," said Von Hodges "I sent that telegram."

"How dare you ?" Blustered Mannerheim.

"What on earth did you do that for ?" Demanded Wilhelm.

"Because you let them take my hoses, that's why !" Said Von Hodges "That's why I did it." He looked around the platoon seeing only glum and hostile faces. "Oh, come on. It was a joke. Haven't you got a sense of humour ?"

"Your behaviour could have undermined the war effort, you know." Said Mannerheim.

"Undermined the war effort ?" Scoffed Von Hodges, "Don't make me laugh, you're just the Volksturm. You're not real soldiers."

Mannerheim and the rest of the platoon bristled visibly as Von Hodges continued -

"Imagine you lot on the Eastern Front anyway." He sneered "The Russians would march right through you. They'd be in Berlin in five minutes flat."

Peike stepped quickly to one side as Mannerheim continued to remonstrate with Von Hodges - "Now look here..." He began but was interrupted by Peike -

"Mr Von Hodges," said the youngster "Would you mind repeating what you just said. I didn't quite hear you."

Von Hodges looked surprised - as did the rest of the platoon - "I said..." sneered Von Hodges "That the Russians would march straight through and be in Berlin in five minutes flat. That's what I said."

"You heard him," said Peike to the two Gestapo men that he had brought back over "Defeatist talk."

"What ?" Said Von Hodges "Don't be daft, I meant..."

"We heard what you said," snapped one Gestapo man "And the meaning could not have been clearer."

"I didn't mean the army, not the real army, I meant this lot - the Volksturm !"

"As far as I can see," said one Gestapo man "This platoon is made up of a young boy and elderly or unfit men..." Valker crouched down a little behind Wilhelm "Yet, here they are at the station ready to go to the Eastern Front and defend Germany."

"And Austria !" Said Frazier.

The second Gestapo man continued where his colleague had left off "Somehow, I can't imagine you making such a willing sacrifice."

"Well, I don't need to, I'm an air raid warden, my place is here in the city."

"But you think the Russians will be in Berlin in five minutes ?" Queried one Gestapo man and Von Hodges realised he was on perilously thin ice.

"That's not what I meant, I meant that ... well..."

"I know this man's face." Said the second Gestapo man "He owns the greengrocers shop."

"That's right," said Von Hodges "That's me, the grocers shop."

"He short changed me when I bought a turnip." Said the Gestapo man.

"I did nothing of the sort." Said Von Hodges "Now, I've explained this till I'm blue in the face. Turnips are sold 'by the kilogram' not 'by the turnip', that's why people think they've been short changed."

"It is a confidence trick," said the Gestapo man "You are a war profiteer as well as a defeatist."

"Don't forget the telegram," pointed out Peike "Impersonating the Reich Chief of Propaganda as well."

The Gestapo dragged Von Hodges away arguing furiously.

"Well done, Peike," said Mannerheim "Not such a dumpkopf boy after all !"

"Right men," said Wilhelm "Let's get into three rows, shall we, and we can march back to the church hall."

The men assembled into three ranks - not 'rows' - and Mannerheim snapped them to "Attention !" except for Johannes, of course, who was a second or two behind everyone else.

There was the sudden crack of a gunshot from outside the station.

"I don't think Von Hodges will be short changing anyone else again." Observed Wilhelm.

Drummety, drummety, drum... drummety, drummety, drum...

Who do you think you are kidding Mr Churchill ...


End file.
